I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
