Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
