god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
