I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
