i just made my gag reflex go away.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
