listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
