I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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