Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
