I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
