Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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