If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
