i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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