I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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