I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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