I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Im part way to drunk.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
