Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
