i wish my penis had a tongue
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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