nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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