remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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