remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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