She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
