I will die if light touches me.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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