Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Green mimosas i think yes
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
