the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
