Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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