Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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