im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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