In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He shit in the fireplace
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
