I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
