Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
