My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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