Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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