I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
