Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
