i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
