I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
