Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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