Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
