real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
