I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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