you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
