we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize