Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
