I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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