remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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