I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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