My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
