I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
You ruined the universe
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
