Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
