I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
