Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
