The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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