After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
