I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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