I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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