i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
