So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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