out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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