There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
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You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
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Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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